the hermit...

Haven't left the house today.  That probably won't change either, unless I walk to the garage to refill my supply of firewood for the evening.  It's been a great day of relaxing, playing with Zara, and enjoying friends.  Our friends Randy & Melissa (along w/ their two kids) are here visiting Seattle and considering joining our staff.  So we spent some time with them this morning, and then Amanda made an incredible soup that we all enjoyed for lunch.  Afterwards, Zara & Amanda took naps while I relaxed in front of the fireplace catching up on some things and listening to Iron and Wine.  Those factors, along with a steady rain, created the perfect Saturday afternoon atmosphere--in my opinion at least...  As I looked around my living room I couldn't imagine a better, more relaxed atmosphere--good music accompanied by the sounds of the fire and the falling rain.

School started up again this week.  Sort of.  Two of my classes don't actually start until the last week of January due to scheduling and the holiday on Monday.  I'm looking forward to my classes--especially a New Testament class.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm really wanting to soak in all that I can in regards to faith and theology.  I feel pretty free to question and dissect what I've come to call my faith and beliefs.  Right now I'd say those things are very fluid, and I find myself having a difficult time nailing down much in the way of specifics that I feel "sure" about.  In the past that would've been scary to say, but as I approach things in a more honest way I feel like my faith is evolving into something more sustainable and lasting.  I hope.

monday

Didn't want to get up today. I went to bed with a heavy heart last night. So when my eyes opened this morning I tried to will them back to sleep. Didn't happen. I went to bed thinking about how relationships continue to confound me. Woke up trying not to think about them at all.

The difficulty I'm facing is that I have a lot of people in my life I care about. Or at least I say I do... I love my friends and family, but when it comes time to say the hard things to them I often find myself waiting for someone else to do it. But life is such that avoidance of the messy relational issues is pretty hard to escape. Yesterday I found myself in the middle of it. Details aren't important. I heard myself saying really hard things and saw myself stepping into situations that seemed way over my head. What's funny is that I'm in the process of entering a profession where my job will be to say hard things to people, to provoke them. Somehow that seems more safe though. The parameters and expectations seem more defined and understood. At school, I'm essentially in group therapy for a couple hours every week and we're required to speak up and be utterly, painfully honest with each other. That's not how it is outside of those walls though. For so many relationships the expectation is that we'll treat each other gently, going easy on each other, not roughing each other up. I'm not sure if people want the truth. I suppose they do and they don't. That's how I am.

Last night I was sitting in church and five minutes into the service I got an urgent call from a friend. A situation was happening that needed some attention. He picked me up and away we went. The title of the sermon I missed: Intervention.

So how honest am I willing to be? and with whom? who will stay to hear what we have to say to each other?