monday
Didn't want to get up today. I went to bed with a heavy heart last night. So when my eyes opened this morning I tried to will them back to sleep. Didn't happen. I went to bed thinking about how relationships continue to confound me. Woke up trying not to think about them at all.
The difficulty I'm facing is that I have a lot of people in my life I care about. Or at least I say I do... I love my friends and family, but when it comes time to say the hard things to them I often find myself waiting for someone else to do it. But life is such that avoidance of the messy relational issues is pretty hard to escape. Yesterday I found myself in the middle of it. Details aren't important. I heard myself saying really hard things and saw myself stepping into situations that seemed way over my head. What's funny is that I'm in the process of entering a profession where my job will be to say hard things to people, to provoke them. Somehow that seems more safe though. The parameters and expectations seem more defined and understood. At school, I'm essentially in group therapy for a couple hours every week and we're required to speak up and be utterly, painfully honest with each other. That's not how it is outside of those walls though. For so many relationships the expectation is that we'll treat each other gently, going easy on each other, not roughing each other up. I'm not sure if people want the truth. I suppose they do and they don't. That's how I am.
Last night I was sitting in church and five minutes into the service I got an urgent call from a friend. A situation was happening that needed some attention. He picked me up and away we went. The title of the sermon I missed: Intervention.
So how honest am I willing to be? and with whom? who will stay to hear what we have to say to each other?
The difficulty I'm facing is that I have a lot of people in my life I care about. Or at least I say I do... I love my friends and family, but when it comes time to say the hard things to them I often find myself waiting for someone else to do it. But life is such that avoidance of the messy relational issues is pretty hard to escape. Yesterday I found myself in the middle of it. Details aren't important. I heard myself saying really hard things and saw myself stepping into situations that seemed way over my head. What's funny is that I'm in the process of entering a profession where my job will be to say hard things to people, to provoke them. Somehow that seems more safe though. The parameters and expectations seem more defined and understood. At school, I'm essentially in group therapy for a couple hours every week and we're required to speak up and be utterly, painfully honest with each other. That's not how it is outside of those walls though. For so many relationships the expectation is that we'll treat each other gently, going easy on each other, not roughing each other up. I'm not sure if people want the truth. I suppose they do and they don't. That's how I am.
Last night I was sitting in church and five minutes into the service I got an urgent call from a friend. A situation was happening that needed some attention. He picked me up and away we went. The title of the sermon I missed: Intervention.
So how honest am I willing to be? and with whom? who will stay to hear what we have to say to each other?
posted by Zachary Rupp at 5:16 PM
1 Comments:
Wow Zach, that's deep. I am sorry that you are having to deal with these things, but not sorry also. I think a good friend is one who will say the hard things and who will be honest. Not harsh, but honest. I certainly know that's hard, being the people pleaser I am. I will be praying for you. I know all of these things can't be easy, and I am sorry for that.
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