on my mind

Almost finished with my book. It's really making me want to learn more about Africa, and the history there. The book is a work of fiction, but based on the author's experiences, with some local history thrown in as well. Her personal politics are coming through in the final third of the book, but I don't mind. It's an interesting perspective, and one that (again) makes me embarrassed of my country's foreign policy decisions. The more I learn, the more I realize I've got a lot more to unlearn.

It's been good to be reading again. Haven't started and finished a book in quite awhile. I used to read a lot, but lately I've had a really difficult time completing things--reading being a good example... I don't really get it. But I know that I'm a bit ashamed of it. Makes me not want to start things--anything from reading a book to starting grad school. I think I'm really lacking in the discipline department at the moment.

Zara has been awesome lately. She's got a couple molars coming in so nights are rough (I slept on the floor of her room for 5 hours a couple nights ago), but during the day she's been great. Yesterday she got so mad at me that I wouldn't play Sufjan Stevens on my ipod. She loves the Christmas album. Especially Jingle Bells and "That Was the Worst Christmas Ever." I'm pretty proud that she likes Sufjan so much. I'd just like to listen to something else occasionally.

Some other things I really like about her:
-She likes to hold my hand when I use the coffee grinder
-She wants to be held every time we use the mixer in the kitchen
-She likes riding the bus
-She's a better dancer than me
-Yesterday when she slammed my hand in the door (hard) she felt genuinely bad. I thought she was going to cry.
-She loves her kiddie pool. Except yesterday she freaked out because she had one foot in and the other out, and didn't know what to do.

funny picture from Montana

current reading/thoughts

I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I'm reading one of Oprah's Book Club books. It's almost enough to make me put it down... But not really. The book is called The Poisonwood Bible. It's about a missionary family who moves to the Belgian Congo in the late 1950's. As I read the book I go back and forth between wanting to throw it across the room and wanting to know what comes next in the story. The father of the family is a complete ass. He's hard-headed, arrogant, brazen, and weak. He treats his wife and four daughters like animals, and treats the local people worse.

His method of evangelizing is to ignore local customs and traditions, attempting to institute an American-ized version of the gospel. Baptism in the local river is the ultimate goal, but if he took the time to hear from the villagers he'd learn that the river is a symbol of death, with crocodiles having eaten a few of the local children recently.

I spent the first 1/3 of the book just being angry at him for the way he lives his life--in direct opposition to the way I hope I treat my family, people, and God. But there is something that keeps me turning the pages. I just have to know the end of the story. I'm hoping he gets eaten slowly by a lion or something. And my hope is that his family makes it, in spite of him.

In my time with YWAM, we've gone out of our way to NOT to treat local people like he does when we go to places like Thailand, Kyrgyzstan, India, etc. We've gone as learners, not wanting to be the arrogant white people who come in with a "plan" to save the world. We've made concerted efforts to NOT impose our will on people, but to see how God is already at work in another part of the world. But I'm always left wondering if that's been enough... How will I know if I said/did all that I should've? Should I have been more bold? More direct? I'm really not sure. And maybe that's the point. There isn't a clear dividing line that grades us on how well we've lived; so I'm forced to continue to be reliant on Christ. I have to be walking with him, learning from him. And what does that even look like? I'm not sure, but I know that I could stand to be reading more scripture. And that I could be praying more. And hoping for more.

It seems like hope is a big part of it. For instance... If I look around my neighborhood and notice all the things that need work I can do a couple different things. I can just accept things as they are and be ok with it (because everything's going to burn anyway). Or I can recognize that God's redemptive plan for this neighborhood looks a lot different than homelessness, rampant drug use, and depression. And if I see things that way, then maybe I'll get upset. And maybe I'll do something about it because I have a hope that Christ wants to bring his Kingdom to this neighborhood. Not just the "get everyone to Heaven" Kingdom either. The Kingdom that helps people get jobs, off the street, and into life-giving relationships. Somewhere along the way I'll start praying. And somewhere along the way I'll get to take part in His redemptive plan. Seems like the first step is caring enough to see what's really happening right in front of me.

So maybe it goes like this: caring--noticing--anger--prayer--action... Maybe?

whirlwind

Seems like the last month has flown by... A week in Maryland for the wedding of Amanda's brother. Two days in Ohio with my family. A week in Montana with my family. Now back in Seattle celebrating graduations, national holidays, and summer. Not to mention Amanda's sister (and our bro-in-law and their little boy) moving to Seattle over the weekend. Lots to take in... And that's without even talking about the chaos that is work at the moment. Or the fact that it's been blazing hot here since we got back. Keep in mind that my tolerance for heat is quite low--the temperature probably hasn't gotten much into the 80's...

I think that the highlight of the last month was a day spent last week in Glacier National Park with Amanda. She did a good job writing about it on our family blog. It was just a great day spent together exploring some of the most beautiful spots on earth.

As I mentioned, work is very stressful and chaotic at the moment. We're undergoing some major changes, and I'm not sure what to make of all of it. Someone asked me the other day how I was doing with everything and I answered that I was feeling confused/frustrated/tired/humbled. The fall DTS has been cancelled, so I'm left trying to figure out what my role around here is... I'm starting school in the fall, but one of the main reasons for going to school was to give me some more tools to do my job here better. So if that's taken away, what am I left with? Now is definitely a good time to examine my motives and longer-term plans ideas having to do with the education that I'm about to undertake. Nothing ever seems to be simple. Is that just life, or is that the way I make my life?