out of my hands. mostly.
Without being overly dramatic, I'd say these last three months have been the hardest ones for me in a long, long time. And these last couple weeks in particular have been a real wretch. The academic side of grad school has been difficult. I've written more than I can believe recently. And more to come in the next 10 days. But that difficulty coupled with some other major life events has left me more than a bit overwhelmed. 7 weeks ago a mentor of mine from school died almost instantly from a brain aneurysm. She was my age. It's hard to describe the impact that she had on my life in the brief time that I knew her. It was monumental. That cloud has hung over me since. Some days it's not a conscious sense of her loss, but I find that when her death is brought up I'm closer to tears than I would've imagined. Attempting to shift back into 'school-mode' after her death was not simple, nor is it still. School just doesn't seem that important.
Some of the changes that are happening in me as a result of school have been unnerving. Good ones, but difficult ones. The nature of going to school is such that your core beliefs and assumptions are challenged to the core. Hard to describe what's been happening... Mostly I feel like a giant pain in the ass to people. Most of that is what I imagine people's perception of me to be. I'm liking the new 'me' that is emerging, but not sure what to do with it relationally. Old patterns are hard to disrupt. School is certainly a pressure-cooker environment for change, but the question is how to translate that change to the world outside of those walls...
Things with work are not great. It's looking like we'll be transitioning out at the end of the summer. What will I/we do? No good answers there. YWAM Seattle is having a huge garage sale on Saturday HERE if you're interested in getting some good stuff cheap.
We found out that our 2nd child will be a boy... And he's doing great. Very good news.
It's been interesting to be excited about this new life growing inside of Amanda in the midst of a real sense of death that's been over me for the last few months. The juxtaposition is stark.
I'm mostly tired. Can't wait for this term to be over so I can rest, without the pressure of a paper hanging over my head.
and with that, it's off to bed.
Some of the changes that are happening in me as a result of school have been unnerving. Good ones, but difficult ones. The nature of going to school is such that your core beliefs and assumptions are challenged to the core. Hard to describe what's been happening... Mostly I feel like a giant pain in the ass to people. Most of that is what I imagine people's perception of me to be. I'm liking the new 'me' that is emerging, but not sure what to do with it relationally. Old patterns are hard to disrupt. School is certainly a pressure-cooker environment for change, but the question is how to translate that change to the world outside of those walls...
Things with work are not great. It's looking like we'll be transitioning out at the end of the summer. What will I/we do? No good answers there. YWAM Seattle is having a huge garage sale on Saturday HERE if you're interested in getting some good stuff cheap.
We found out that our 2nd child will be a boy... And he's doing great. Very good news.
It's been interesting to be excited about this new life growing inside of Amanda in the midst of a real sense of death that's been over me for the last few months. The juxtaposition is stark.
I'm mostly tired. Can't wait for this term to be over so I can rest, without the pressure of a paper hanging over my head.
and with that, it's off to bed.
posted by Zachary Rupp at 10:52 PM
4 Comments:
Wow Zach, that's heavy stuff. I am so excited for you and Amanda but I understand your sentiment. It's often unnerving to receive good news when we are faced with the bad as well. I am in prayer for you and your family. I appreciate the updates, as it lets me know what I can keep in mind. I am glad you are learning and growing and I pray for wisdom as you translate the growth into your every day.
thanks for the update.. i am thinking of all of you as you make the transitional steps which can be hard.. thanks for sharing your thoughts on your friend.. its amazing how monumental the death of a friend can be and the impact it leaves on our lives forever.. love that you are having a boy. so happy for you! give my love to your girls.
thanks for being open Zach. Thinking of you during this time...
I love you, brother. :)
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