tired
I think I'm just about to the end of what I can handle as far as work/stress/exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping all that well at night, and my days have been particularly stressful this past week or two. I'm really looking forward to next week--being able to relax at home with Amanda and Zara, and having my mom around for a few days.
Why do I feel like every time I sit down to write I'm at a crossroads? Not the same one, but always a new one... Are each of them as significant as they seem to be? I suppose they're just as significant as they feel at the time. Not sure if that makes sense. I think the important thing for me is to give a certain amount of time/thought to each particular situation--an amount that corresponds with the level of significance of the decision... My tendency is to glance over things and neglect. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with decisions and what they could mean--so I try not to think about them. That's a really frustrating characteristic about myself. There's a good book called The Silence of Adam that addresses this way of thinking. It talks about how Adam was silent/absent at a crucial moment in history--Eve's interaction with the serpent in the Garden. The basic point of the book is that men have a tendency to be silent in those moments that are out of their control. If I can't manipulate an outcome or control a situation, I tend to not want anything to do with it. The fear of the unknown silences me and I shut down. I don't want to live like that, but I have to recognize that it's something that happens. So to bring it back to what I was talking about earlier... My struggle is to really face the decisions in my life and not back down from them, or simply do whatever I can to avoid making one. When I have two things to choose between I want to be better about owning what I'm choosing--being aware that a choice involves both choosing FOR something and choosing AGAINST something.
It really seems like I'm blowing this WAY out of proportion...It's not like I'm in the middle of some major life decision or anything. I'm really not. But I know that the way I approach decisions on a smaller scale will directly impact how I face larger ones... And I'm just getting the feeling that a big one isn't too far away... Not sure what that will be or look like, but it's just been something on my mind lately.
Why do I feel like every time I sit down to write I'm at a crossroads? Not the same one, but always a new one... Are each of them as significant as they seem to be? I suppose they're just as significant as they feel at the time. Not sure if that makes sense. I think the important thing for me is to give a certain amount of time/thought to each particular situation--an amount that corresponds with the level of significance of the decision... My tendency is to glance over things and neglect. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with decisions and what they could mean--so I try not to think about them. That's a really frustrating characteristic about myself. There's a good book called The Silence of Adam that addresses this way of thinking. It talks about how Adam was silent/absent at a crucial moment in history--Eve's interaction with the serpent in the Garden. The basic point of the book is that men have a tendency to be silent in those moments that are out of their control. If I can't manipulate an outcome or control a situation, I tend to not want anything to do with it. The fear of the unknown silences me and I shut down. I don't want to live like that, but I have to recognize that it's something that happens. So to bring it back to what I was talking about earlier... My struggle is to really face the decisions in my life and not back down from them, or simply do whatever I can to avoid making one. When I have two things to choose between I want to be better about owning what I'm choosing--being aware that a choice involves both choosing FOR something and choosing AGAINST something.
It really seems like I'm blowing this WAY out of proportion...It's not like I'm in the middle of some major life decision or anything. I'm really not. But I know that the way I approach decisions on a smaller scale will directly impact how I face larger ones... And I'm just getting the feeling that a big one isn't too far away... Not sure what that will be or look like, but it's just been something on my mind lately.
posted by Zachary Rupp at 9:27 PM
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