change

I want to be able to say I'm a person who is open to changing, and that I allow myself to be affected (effected?) by those around me. But lately that's been challenged. Based on some good conversations with people who know me well, I'm questioning how much I really take to heart what's going on around me--both on an individual one-on-one basis, as well as with the "big" things that are happening around me (locally, globally, whatever).

I'll explain. My whole life I've been praised as being a person who is solid and steady.
Some trademarks of that kind of a person are:
1. Don't get too high or too low
2. Remain calm
3. Do what you're told
4. Don't be loud.
Here's another way of describing each of those four things (or at least how they played out in my life):
1. Don't get involved emotionally because even if things are really good, things will get much worse, and the pain won't be worth the joy. And vice versa--if things are bad don't complain because someone, somewhere has it far worse. So things must actually not be that bad, or at least they'll get better for me eventually... Here's the result of this one--Keep everyone and everything at a distance, not allowing myself to actually feel much of anything.
2. Fake it. Even if you feel something act like you don't. Being out of control is the number one thing to avoid. It only leads to problems such as showing emotion, getting hurt, or looking silly. This leads to the few feelings you actually have being channelled in unhealthy directions.
3. Even if you disagree with something, don't say what's on your mind. Authority and leaders are to be respected very highly--this means doing what they say. Speaking up generally seems to be a bad thing. (see #4) Years of doing this result in the constant feeling (fear) of not being able to provide input that has value, especially in regards to speaking into peoples' lives. (low self-confidence, especially in a group)
4. This one combines the previous three, and in a way sums them up--be quiet. As I mentioned in the first one, the main issue is being out of control. That is to be avoided as the highest priority.

I'm not trying to generalize for everyone what these characteristics may lead to, I'm only speaking of my own personal experience. The fact is that I really was (and am) praised for all of those things. There are certainly some good things about having those characteristics, and at times I'm really glad that I have them. But I find myself feeling like I'm missing something. A big something. I want to feel things more deeply and allow myself to be altered, changed, affected by those around me and the events that shape my life. But it's not easy to do. There's something safe about the distance... And I've got almost 29 years of momentum going the other way, and I'm trying to turn it around. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself to do it in one day, but instead allow myself the grace to change over time--believing that the sum of many small steps will result in the turning...

last night

Last night I went with a group of people to a park in downtown Seattle to serve hot chocolate to some men and women on the streets. Not all of them sleep on the streets, but the reality is that the majority of their days are spent outside, being shuffled from place to place by those of us with power, authority, and control. And by the looks on many of their faces, the amount of time spent out there had moved from weeks to months to years. It seemed good to be able to do something, as insignificant as it seemed in the moment. I sat with a guy about my age, and just listened to him ramble on for about an hour. One thought bled into the next, and I had a hard time making any sense of what he was saying. Sometimes the hardest thing is to just sit and listen. But then I wonder why this guy had so much to say. Part of it was the drugs, but I think an even bigger factor is how many people he has in his life to actually sit with him and ask him about his day... Who knows.

Anyway, I always have a tough time after doing things like this. I like the fact that we can provide some tangible thing to a group of people so obviously in need. But it depresses me when I think about my role (and the church's role) in systemic issues like homelessness, long-term drug addiction, race relations, etc. The problems seem so overwhelming, and the church's history in dealing with them is spotty at best. So for now I do what I can... Bring some hot chocolate, listen, ask questions, probe, learn. I know that we can have a substantial impact over the long term. I have to believe that. I'm trying hard to believe that.