pay yourself first

I had a finance professor in college who said that the way you create a sustainable environment is to pay yourself first. If you're not getting what you need, then you won't have anything to give back to whatever it is that you're working on. Makes a lot of practical sense if you're running a business. It also makes sense (in a bit of a different way) if you're in a position of "ministry." (I use this term warily, quite aware of the feelings it may lead to--especially in me) But the reality is that I'm in a full-time ministry position. I'm constantly directing, leading, helping, coaching, teaching, overseeing, etc. It's a very rewarding role, but at the same time I find myself having no answers when asked how I'm actually doing. The reality is that sometimes it's a hard question because I don't know what the answer is... Or maybe I just don't want to face what the answer is. I've filled my life and time with so many things (good things), that I've effectively cut myself out of my own life... All my time is directed towards other people. While on the outside that may seem good, after awhile it lends itself to a distinct disconnect from what's really going on inside of me. So I'm realizing that for me to be good at what I'm doing, I need to make some time for myself in my schedule. Not time to "do" things for myself or to catch up on things, but just time to sit, think, journal, etc. When I think about it, the times when I've been most connected with God and myself are the times when I feel the best about my work in ministry. I have more to give once I acknowledge my need to first receive. And not just acknowledge it, but do something about it.

Anchors

Some days it seems like there's so much going on that it's hard to decide where to spend my time and energy. Normally I spend Monday afternoons in my office catching up on my work there. But today we were in the final phase of deciding who was going to be on our two overseas outreach teams. So I had some work to do on that--conversations to have, decisions to be made... Then I go into a coffeeshop and see our speaker who I'd just love to sit down and talk with for an hour. Then I notice three other friends in the same coffeeshop that I'd like to catch up with. Then I have to figure out plane tickets for this weekend--my sister just had a baby and we had a wedding back in the Midwest anyway this weekend, so we're extending our stay... On and on and on it goes. All of a sudden it's 6:00 and I still haven't actually started on anything in my office. (much less accomplish anything there) And then all of a sudden it's 10:00 and I'm ready for bed, but I still have a bunch of things hanging over my head...

But then what seems good is that I'm sitting here in front of a warm fire, just relaxing. I feel ok about pushing all that other stuff to the side for a bit and enjoying a few simple pleasures: the sound of a fire crackling in the fireplace, a chapter in a good book, the quietness of our home at night. I know that the other work stuff will still be waiting for me later, but if I can't take a few minutes out of a chaotic day to just sit here and enjoy things, then I'm going to ruin myself. I think that in a busy time of the year like this, these moments are my anchors. They keep me sane, keep me refreshed, recharge me. I need them.

It makes me think about how often we as believers pray for "peace" about a decision, or about a situation. And we kind of just expect that feeling of peace to come over us magically, as if in the middle of a crazy day while trying to accomplish 100 things we'll all of a sudden be perfectly calm and come to the "big decision" we need to make. But I think the reality is that we need to give God more space to let His peace settle on us. I know that I don't do so well with making time for solitude and just being quiet. I'm talking about just sitting down in silence with no other agenda other than to rest our minds and souls. Just something to think about...