the story

Can't tell you how close I was to deleting this blog into oblivion about five minutes ago.  I was one click away...  But then I got a bit reminiscent and looked through a few of the old posts and some of the comments associated with them.  It got me missing the old days when I'd write every once in awhile.  Can't remember when that was, but I'm sure it happened at some point.

A couple weeks ago I did one of those "25 things about you" lists on Facebook.  It was actually pretty fun.  Of course it is--writing about myself and informing the world about all the things that are interesting about me...  I suppose if I didn't find that interesting then I'd be in serious trouble. 

Anyway, I thought it was a good time...  So I thought that due to a bit of interest in that list I'd attempt to continue a little writing on this old blog.  Got to come up with some sort of theme though, otherwise I'll get bored.

For now, an update... Half-way done with grad school.  This semester I'm taking five classes: Therapy 1, Counseling African Americans, Psychopathology II, Celtic Spirituality, Domestic Violence Advocacy.  I like them all.  I'm learning a bunch, and my worry is that it's too much to take in and I won't remember enough.  

On the job front, I've got zilch.  Honestly, in the fall I wasn't looking too hard.  We were doing ok financially and we were about to go insane (literally.  no exaggeration) with Caden.  He's a cute kid, but for the first 3 months of his life he was a handful--wouldn't stop crying, didn't want to be set down, up all night, etc, etc.  Anyone who knows anything about interrupted sleep patterns in adults knows that depression is a huge risk factor for people who are enduring that sort of sleep situation.  Consider me one of those statistics.  It hasn't been pretty.  Want details?  Ask.  Anway--job...  I'm currently looking for some part-time accounting work.  Not sure what there is to be had right now...  But I'm looking.  I have to do an internship (unpaid) for school next fall, so I'm not sure how we're going to make it happen financially.  I'd rather not think about that now though.  

That's it for now.  More to follow at a later (sooner?) time.  

peace.

big week

Lots going on around here.

1. Amanda is imminently due. Could be any day. More accurately, any minute. I'm hoping the little guy holds off til the weekend. If for no other reason than we need to confirm a name. Boaz is still in the running, as far as I'm concerned.

2. Zara starts pre-school tomorrow. What is she most excited about? Packing her lunch and wearing her new "back-to-school" dress. I tried to explain to her that it's not "back" to school for her since she's never been there before. This made no sense to her and only made her mad. Understandably so. I just hope she simmers down the feisty-ness while she's at school. The girl has a strong will.

3. I started the fall term at Mars Hill today. Only one class, but it was a real joyride: Sexual Disorders. It's going to be a good one, but it will take a lot out of me. Other classes for the term: Psychopathology and Human Growth/Development.

4. New job. No--i don't have one. Some good leads, but in the next couple days I'm going to be forced to make a decision about one particular job. I don't really want it, but the prospect of turning it down without anything else lined up is a bit unnerving.

5. Republican National Convention. Good grief. I just can't comprehend voting for those fools. Sorry.

I'm enjoying a quiet peaceful evening at home tonight. We're trying to enjoy every last minute of our time before kid #2 arrives on the scene. Saw a lot of friends this weekend and had some good time with just the three of us. I'm noticing that when I do have time to be quiet and peaceful I find myself wanting to fill the time with distractions--people, internet, tv, etc. I haven't taken much time lately to just sit and be still. So today I got up early and journaled for awhile, which was nice. And rare.

Being back at school today was great. Orientation for new students was happening, and I clearly remember going through it last year. Watching the proceedings reminded me of how good the last year has been for me, and how much school (and the relationships there) have impacted me. I was filled with much gratitude.

That's rare these days. Usually I'm only focused on what's not going well--it's easy for me to start kicking my own ass about the things that I'm not doing well. It's a problematic way to live. Today was a nice break from that.

a bunch

sometimes i catch myself having conversations (out loud) with myself walking down the street. happened this morning on my way to get a bagel and coffee. clearly, the lady walking on the other side of the street was was disturbed by the way she was eyeing me. it made me laugh out loud. at that point she veered away quickly.

took our friends to the airport today. they're leaving for thailand to do some really incredible things. sad to see them go. rusty helped me make a cornhole set last week. i suck at it. but not as bad as amanda. sorry babe. truth hurts.

i need a job. looking for a job is the most draining, depressing thing I've done in quite awhile. nothing like getting your hopes up only to get kicked in the teeth by some pathetic form e-mail telling you they "have chosen an applicant whose background more closely matches blah blah blah." screw you. just tell me i wasn't good enough and that my answers to the interview questions were stupid. i would appreciate the honesty.

watching the olympics every night. staying up way too late to watching events that i already know the outcome to. yes, everyday i check espn.com to find out the results. then i attempt to trick myself into forgetting... kind of like how my dad reads the last ten pages of a book before he reads the rest of the book. i used to think that was the dumbest thing. like father, like son. might as well get it out of the way and admit it.

took zara to the zoo yesterday for a couple hours. she asked if she could get in the cage with the boa constrictor. i wanted to alert her of the potential danger of the snake without getting into the details of asphyixiation, fangs, etc. so i just told her that snakes were mean. it worked. overall, i'd say that as far as going to the zoo and getting rained on the whole time we had a pretty good time.

finally, it was my parents 35th anniversary today. very impressive.

out of my hands. mostly.

Without being overly dramatic, I'd say these last three months have been the hardest ones for me in a long, long time. And these last couple weeks in particular have been a real wretch. The academic side of grad school has been difficult. I've written more than I can believe recently. And more to come in the next 10 days. But that difficulty coupled with some other major life events has left me more than a bit overwhelmed. 7 weeks ago a mentor of mine from school died almost instantly from a brain aneurysm. She was my age. It's hard to describe the impact that she had on my life in the brief time that I knew her. It was monumental. That cloud has hung over me since. Some days it's not a conscious sense of her loss, but I find that when her death is brought up I'm closer to tears than I would've imagined. Attempting to shift back into 'school-mode' after her death was not simple, nor is it still. School just doesn't seem that important.

Some of the changes that are happening in me as a result of school have been unnerving. Good ones, but difficult ones. The nature of going to school is such that your core beliefs and assumptions are challenged to the core. Hard to describe what's been happening... Mostly I feel like a giant pain in the ass to people. Most of that is what I imagine people's perception of me to be. I'm liking the new 'me' that is emerging, but not sure what to do with it relationally. Old patterns are hard to disrupt. School is certainly a pressure-cooker environment for change, but the question is how to translate that change to the world outside of those walls...

Things with work are not great. It's looking like we'll be transitioning out at the end of the summer. What will I/we do? No good answers there. YWAM Seattle is having a huge garage sale on Saturday HERE if you're interested in getting some good stuff cheap.

We found out that our 2nd child will be a boy... And he's doing great. Very good news.

It's been interesting to be excited about this new life growing inside of Amanda in the midst of a real sense of death that's been over me for the last few months. The juxtaposition is stark.

I'm mostly tired. Can't wait for this term to be over so I can rest, without the pressure of a paper hanging over my head.

and with that, it's off to bed.

what i do

Here's what I've been up to in the last month or so:

-enduring a rather boring trimester of grad school

-building an igloo and sleeping in it

-snowboarding in colorado

-enduring ywam meetings

-being confused

-considering getting back into running shape (but only considering.  no further action)

-joining student council at Mars Hill

-planning and executing a fantastic 30th b-day party for amanda

-starting a supper club with some friends (masons & troys).  last night my contributions were "tiramisu on a stick" and "sangria on a stick".  obviously the theme was "things on a stick."  Let me just say here that the people that hosted (ryan and elaine troy) MADE THEIR OWN SAUSAGE FROM SCRATCH. Very impressive.  Then they deep-fried them and created homemade corn-dogs.  glorious.  we're considering a supper-club blog.  we'll see.

questions?

the hermit...

Haven't left the house today.  That probably won't change either, unless I walk to the garage to refill my supply of firewood for the evening.  It's been a great day of relaxing, playing with Zara, and enjoying friends.  Our friends Randy & Melissa (along w/ their two kids) are here visiting Seattle and considering joining our staff.  So we spent some time with them this morning, and then Amanda made an incredible soup that we all enjoyed for lunch.  Afterwards, Zara & Amanda took naps while I relaxed in front of the fireplace catching up on some things and listening to Iron and Wine.  Those factors, along with a steady rain, created the perfect Saturday afternoon atmosphere--in my opinion at least...  As I looked around my living room I couldn't imagine a better, more relaxed atmosphere--good music accompanied by the sounds of the fire and the falling rain.

School started up again this week.  Sort of.  Two of my classes don't actually start until the last week of January due to scheduling and the holiday on Monday.  I'm looking forward to my classes--especially a New Testament class.  I'm at a point in my life where I'm really wanting to soak in all that I can in regards to faith and theology.  I feel pretty free to question and dissect what I've come to call my faith and beliefs.  Right now I'd say those things are very fluid, and I find myself having a difficult time nailing down much in the way of specifics that I feel "sure" about.  In the past that would've been scary to say, but as I approach things in a more honest way I feel like my faith is evolving into something more sustainable and lasting.  I hope.

monday

Didn't want to get up today. I went to bed with a heavy heart last night. So when my eyes opened this morning I tried to will them back to sleep. Didn't happen. I went to bed thinking about how relationships continue to confound me. Woke up trying not to think about them at all.

The difficulty I'm facing is that I have a lot of people in my life I care about. Or at least I say I do... I love my friends and family, but when it comes time to say the hard things to them I often find myself waiting for someone else to do it. But life is such that avoidance of the messy relational issues is pretty hard to escape. Yesterday I found myself in the middle of it. Details aren't important. I heard myself saying really hard things and saw myself stepping into situations that seemed way over my head. What's funny is that I'm in the process of entering a profession where my job will be to say hard things to people, to provoke them. Somehow that seems more safe though. The parameters and expectations seem more defined and understood. At school, I'm essentially in group therapy for a couple hours every week and we're required to speak up and be utterly, painfully honest with each other. That's not how it is outside of those walls though. For so many relationships the expectation is that we'll treat each other gently, going easy on each other, not roughing each other up. I'm not sure if people want the truth. I suppose they do and they don't. That's how I am.

Last night I was sitting in church and five minutes into the service I got an urgent call from a friend. A situation was happening that needed some attention. He picked me up and away we went. The title of the sermon I missed: Intervention.

So how honest am I willing to be? and with whom? who will stay to hear what we have to say to each other?