thoughts on thirty
I turned thirty yesterday... It isn't all that great. Actually I would say that it sucks. Seems like I've been able to do a lot of processing about it over the last few weeks--especially last night with Amanda while devouring some fantastic Triple Coconut Creme pie at the Dahlia Lounge. I'm very grateful to be able to look back over my life without much in the way of regret. Of course there are times I wish I would've made better decisions, but as far as the "major" life decisions (college, marriage, job, where I live) I'm really happy. I realize that I'm extrememly privileged to be able to say that--but I also think that it's not just luck. My family raised me pretty well and imparted some good decision making skills to me. I'm certainly not trying to say that it's been all about me making all the right choices... But I do want to acknowledge that my parents did a pretty good job. Maybe I'm just being arrogant. Who knows.
The hardest thing for me about turning thirty is realizing that as I get older my options become more limited and restricted. In a way, it's hard knowing that as good as things may be going, I'm becoming more and more entrenched and tied down here. I don't think it's as simple as Thoreau saying that "the things you own end up owning you." But that's a part of it. Family, work, my house, school, my city--all things that keep me planted here. And not that any of those things (or being planted) is inherently bad. For me, it's more the IDEA that I can't just change directions immediately or that I'm less flexible. Another hard thing to acknowlege is that as I progress in age I will physically be able to do less. Maybe not now, but eventually. I don't like (fear) the idea of having to battle illness--with me or family or friends.
I just can't believe that I'm thirty. I doesn't compute. Never thought it would happen. Can't believe that I've been out of college for 8 years. Up until yesterday I thought of myself as being 25. I'm not too depressed or too upset--just aware that thirty isn't exactly considered young--except by people 15 years older than me.
Tuesday I had a pretty rough morning. I had to drop off my deposit and "intent to enroll" at Mars Hill. Amanda had a meeting that morning so I was watching Zara and she went along with me to drop off the deposit. I'd been putting this off for about a month (hence the last-minue nature of the trip) and I think I got some clarity as to why. As we entered the building I had this rather overwhelming sense of how much time and effort would be required of me as a result of what I was about to do. Having Zara there with me emphasized it even more. I felt like I was taking her to show her where i was going to be for the next three years, so that I could explain it to her. I hadn't thought about it before I was there, but at that moment it hit me hard. I was just sad at the thought of having to miss out on things with her because of school. She kept saying: "we're at daddy's school" and it just melted me. The whole way home I was fighting tears. i don't know what to do with it.
The hardest thing for me about turning thirty is realizing that as I get older my options become more limited and restricted. In a way, it's hard knowing that as good as things may be going, I'm becoming more and more entrenched and tied down here. I don't think it's as simple as Thoreau saying that "the things you own end up owning you." But that's a part of it. Family, work, my house, school, my city--all things that keep me planted here. And not that any of those things (or being planted) is inherently bad. For me, it's more the IDEA that I can't just change directions immediately or that I'm less flexible. Another hard thing to acknowlege is that as I progress in age I will physically be able to do less. Maybe not now, but eventually. I don't like (fear) the idea of having to battle illness--with me or family or friends.
I just can't believe that I'm thirty. I doesn't compute. Never thought it would happen. Can't believe that I've been out of college for 8 years. Up until yesterday I thought of myself as being 25. I'm not too depressed or too upset--just aware that thirty isn't exactly considered young--except by people 15 years older than me.
Tuesday I had a pretty rough morning. I had to drop off my deposit and "intent to enroll" at Mars Hill. Amanda had a meeting that morning so I was watching Zara and she went along with me to drop off the deposit. I'd been putting this off for about a month (hence the last-minue nature of the trip) and I think I got some clarity as to why. As we entered the building I had this rather overwhelming sense of how much time and effort would be required of me as a result of what I was about to do. Having Zara there with me emphasized it even more. I felt like I was taking her to show her where i was going to be for the next three years, so that I could explain it to her. I hadn't thought about it before I was there, but at that moment it hit me hard. I was just sad at the thought of having to miss out on things with her because of school. She kept saying: "we're at daddy's school" and it just melted me. The whole way home I was fighting tears. i don't know what to do with it.
posted by Zachary Rupp at 9:47 PM
2 Comments:
hey old man. see you soon.
you're a really great dad rupp.....also you always have that great senior portrait to remind you of your younger years...would you like me to post it???
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